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I`m a spontaneous procrastinator
When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. “Alright, get in the basket”
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
Right now I`m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I`ve forgotten this before.
We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
I`m having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... ok by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?
If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
I`m getting tired of having to write "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails. Maybe I should just get an iPhone.
At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!
I don`t like morning people ... Or mornings ... Or people.