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"Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern." ~ Me at McDonald`s on pay day.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media... make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
This rough sex would have been a lot better if I wasn`t alone.
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
I commend any woman for going into labor outside a hospital setting. If I have to poop anywhere besides my own bathroom I go into panic mode
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
Here hold my dignity, I`ve got some sketchy shit to do.
My ex warned me that I would never find a girl like her again....THANK GOD!
You`ve got to love yourself ... Just not in public places
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.
Women who say the quickest way to a man`s heart is through his stomach, have not seen his browser history.
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there’s some millionaire walking around who invented the Pool Noodle.
Fun Fact: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.
Sneezing when you pee is only recommended when you`re in a public toilet.