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To be truthful from deep down ... I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
You can`t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
I told my 4-year-old she couldn`t open any candy yet. So she ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
I`m going to test my theory that tequila kills the flu... Or brain cells... Whatever, doesn`t matter... something`s gonna die tonight.
Ever wonder if the McDonalds logo is the letter "m" or just an image of your butt cheeks it will cause?
Can`t reach it. Don`t need it.
I like my coffee like I like my women, hot and a lot of alcohol in them
I really need to clean the house, but I`m thinking it`d be a lot faster to burn it down and start from scratch...
FB friends, please let me know if you own one of those cool little Smart cars so I can unfriend you.
I`m about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be “Beaten to death with a selfie stick”
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
They say do what you love & the money will follow. I love doing nothing. We`ll see.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it´s for them?
Chuck E Cheese: Because it`s never too early to introduce your children to gambling and bad nutrition.