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Who is this "Moderation" they keep telling me to drink with?
Marriage tip: Don`t
Girls here`s how to tell if a guy wants you for sex - 1: He does
I wish we could donate body fat to those in need.
Dating should be like buying a car... You should get to talk to the previous owners! SHOW ME THE MANFAX
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I`m cute, I would have 1 dollar ... thanks mom.
I`ve probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator
I`m obviously smarter than you`re
If I can`t convince you, I will sure as hell confuse you.
Cop cars should play the jaws theme song
I`m going to start a band called "Free Beer" because when people see a sign that says "Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM" everyone is going to be there.
I hope everyone takes my advice and never takes my advice.
Unless you are selling Thin Mints, don’t ever knock on my door.
Sometimes I do totally awesome and amazing things just to throw people off.