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When your mother asks you if you`re sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."
Jehovah`s witnesses don`t celebrate Halloween. I guess they don`t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
I always hate when I miss out on wear your pajamas to Wal-Mart night.
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
If by “clubbing” you mean eating club sandwiches then yeah I’m pretty into the club scene.
What a snow day inside with the kids! My one son thought it would be a good idea to fill up the garage freezer with snow to save for later and my other son had an "accident" and peed all over the floor in the bathroom. Youd think they know better at 13 and 15 years old! I probably should stop letting them drink beer in the house.
I don’t even know what I don’t know.
Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".
If it`s the thought that counts ... Then I should probably be in jail
See, I would run, but it`s usually bodies of joggers that are found dead in the woods.
Just ran across a great dessert recipe...Cut up some bananas, apples & oranges in a bowl. Add fresh squeezed lime juice. Then toss it in the trash and eat a cheesecake.
I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich