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I put the o in illiterate!
I’m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
"Lazy" is a strong word. I prefer to call it selective participation.
People assume I’m smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Snickers bar and they recognize my true genius.
"Teeter Totter" is the silliest name for toddler catapults.
75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.
I hate it when someone turns the light on while I`m sleeping and I`m like O_-
I bet if we all threw our problems into a big pile, we’d see everyone else’s and scramble to get ours back.
I`ve never heard an alarm going off on a car worth stealing.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat`s just being dramatic.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.
A 4-way stop is an IQ test you take in public.
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I`m married to it.
Nobody expects you to post brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.
It`s kind of creepy that you noticed me staring at you.