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Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP` out loud instead of just in my head.
I hate when I’m about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.
If my job was to make health questionnaires, I`d slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"
It`s not the torch she carries for me that has me worried, it`s the gas can in her other hand.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Seagull Manager; Someone who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everyone and then leaves.
Does anyone have like twenty thousand dollars they don’t want? Asking for myself.
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
Famous words from Fergie... "Boom Boom Pow!" Happy 4th of July!!
I am not saying you are stupid, because I thought you already knew
By the time I’ve said “Nice to meet you” I’ve already forgotten your name.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t
If ghosts existed, why are they all apparently from the last 100 years or so? Wouldn’t there be evidence of a Neanderthal ghost here and there?
If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I`ll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark