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Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
Don`t tell me what to do unless you`re naked.
On your birthday I think the Airlines should let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide.
Silence is golden but duct tape is silver.
Love going into a crowded area and yelling, "Hey stupid!!" and seeing how many people turn around.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a "judgment free" zone...unless we`re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it`s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Never squat with your spurs on
If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to ten, unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
My parents say I was an unplanned child, which probably explains why my life isn`t going to plan.
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.
At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.
I`m a little Stressed right now ... Just turn around and leave quietly and no one gets hurt.
Doing donuts in the parking lot sounds fun. Eating donuts in the parking lot sounds better.