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The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
Jack Frost go away, come again another day. I need some sun, I need some sand, I need an island & a band. I`m bored with you & tired of the cold, so go away your getting old. Bring on the sun at one hundred degrees, some coconut oil & pina coladas please
Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
How do I tell a man he loves me?
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
Facebook needs a "settle down" button.. You tap on a friend`s profile, that locks them out for a day so they can work through stuff privately..
If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals, you probably shouldn`t invite me over.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
Falling in love when lonely is a lot like shopping when hungry, you end up with a bunch of sh!t you don`t need.
Today is that day where anything you read online could be totally made up. Oh, wait, that`s every day.
I woke up feeling strange this morning...I felt Rested and Relaxed so I immediately Googled my symptoms. Turns out I had a `Sleep in` Apparently it`s not harmful but may be addictive. . .
Gee I wish I could push the envelope... But it`s stationary.
Did you hear about the homeless guy that tried selling me meth?.... Yeah it was Bumcrack.