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I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry.
I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
"Kids are great when you need help around the house." - People who don`t have kids
"Good for you!" means, "I do not consider you a threat" in woman-speak.
I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.
It`s not working. I`ve napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.
Hurricanes, Fires,Tiger running loose ... Whoever is playing Jumanji needs to wrap it up
I was planning on doing something today, but I haven`t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
My theory: Every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel
I`ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn`t need my assistance, so I`m going back to bed.
Vaginas are like the weather. When it`s wet, it`s time to go inside.
I asked my wife what women really want, she said attentive lovers. Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn`t really listening.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Me: She`s out of town.
“Star Wars” fans are very upset that the story line of the upcoming new “Star Wars” movie has been leaked. Apparently the movie starts with R2-D2, Chewbacca, and Han
"It`s not about who`s right or wrong."~ The person that is wrong