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I`ll never understand why single women waste so much time on dating websites when there are so many eligible bachelors right here in this adult bookstore.
Trying to learn Mandarin Chinese but the amount of money I`m spending on fortune cookies is getting ridiculous.
I am dealing with it like an adult! Tonight I`m getting drunk!!!
My mind is exceptionally quiet.... I am suspicious that I am up to something I don`t want myself to know about.
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to prevent me from savagely beating my coworkers with a keyboard.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that`s the last thing I need.
I`m not crazy, I`m just special!!...No, wait...Maybe I am crazy. One second...I have to talk to myself about this, hold on...
My Ex texted me."please delete my number."I replied,"Who`s this??"
"Dora" only rhymes with "Explorer" if you`re from Long Island, New York
I’m not sure why, but to me Cheerios sound like the happiest of all circular shaped cereals.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
Google maps should have a “Scenic!” route option for when we’re not in a hurry and just want to enjoy the ride.
I don`t have a drinking problem. If anything, I`m TOO good at it.
I`m convinced girls only want one thing from guys... all of our hoodies. -Bfanch