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My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario
Stop screaming, lady. All I said was `this is how pornos start`. It`s just elevator talk.
To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
Divorce is expensive because its worth it.
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Judge me if you will, just keep the verdict to yourself.
At least thirty percent of my workout is spent picking a different song.
The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I`ve decided to start growling.
My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.
The problem with taking the road less traveled is the poor phone signal...
The skeletons in your closet are suggesting that you upgrade to a double wide, walk-in.
I’m pretty good at keeping my sh!t together. Until there’s a bee around.