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I just realized that if we drink enough wine, the adult`s table will become the kid`s table.
PLEASE - put this on your status if you know someone (or are related to someone) who has been eaten by dragons. Dragons are nearly unstoppable and, in case you didn`t know, they can also breathe fire. 93% of people won`t copy and paste this, because they have already been eaten by dragons. 6% of people are sitting in the shower armed with fire extinguishers and the remaining 1% are awesome and will re-post.
You health nuts are gonna feel real stupid when you`re laying in the hospital dying of nothing.
A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that
I love you in a bipolar way because I hate you.
Some people are like eye-candy... I`m more like eye-meatloaf.
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
Sometimes I want to comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08' album at 4am.
Was that lightning? ... No, they`re taking pictures for Google Earth.
I`ll tell you what`s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.
I`ve upped my driving skills, no go Up yours!
Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.
I just had a threesome in the shower with Johnson and Johnson.
You don`t need to use your words if you`re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Snails would be terrifying if they moved quickly.