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When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
MISSED CONNECTION: I gave you the Heimlich maneuver on Maine St. You insisted you weren’t choking and put up a good fight.
It`s a beautiful day, think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit.
I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Change is always hard.... Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I have an irrational fear of speedbumps… but, I’m slowly getting over it.
I wonder if the clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look! ...that one`s shaped like an idiot!"?
Isn`t it strange that bankruptcy attorneys don`t let you make payments....
The one thing you never wanna hear when your father catches you watching porn is... "Scoot over."
Coffee: So I can do nothing with more energy.
I`m no different than any other bachelor. I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.
Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
Because it`s the season to give thanks, I would just like to say....you`re welcome.
When 12 year old girls call each other honey and sweet heart...
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.