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If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?
Karaoke bars combine two of the worlds greatest evils—people who shouldn`t drink with people who shouldn`t sing.
My internet went down last week...so I talked to my family....thank goodness the internet came back
Some things are better left unsaid, but I`m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different from mine.
When something goes wrong in your life, just yell "PLOT TWIST!" and move on.
I`m off to get my beauty sleep. Yeah, I know...I`m already so beautiful you can`t stand it! I promise...a little more isn`t lethal...yet! ;) Goodnight!
No matter how old you are, If a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die.
The only hunger games i care about involve plastic hippos.
According to WebMD, MedicineNet, Healthline, Mayo Clinic, Symptom Checker, NetDoctor, MedlinePlus, Johns Hopkins and InfoMedNet, I`m OCD.
Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don`t realize how bad it is for their health.....until I`m choking them
Living out of your car isn`t so bad if you keep telling yourself you`re "on tour"
Chips have little nutritional value. That’s why you need to eat the whole bag.