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Always have faith and believe in yourself…well because..the rest of us think you’re an idiot!
Imagine how bad it would be if everyone could hear what you were thinking.
Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can`t remember the lyrics.
I made a New Years Resolution to gain 20 lbs, so I can relish in the sense of accomplishment and success!
You make your own luck`.. a saying most popular with lucky f*ckers
Do you think that the guy that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5
You know it`s time to delete Facebook when your mom, dad, uncles, aunties, grandparents etc... is on it.
I ordered a pizza when my wife went into labor. Thad ad said, "buy a pizza, and get free delivery.
You don`t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Depending on the boob, the Bra is either the best or worst invention ever.
If your day was that bad, why do you assume we want to know about it?
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
I will literally spend $20 on food but won’t buy a $20 shirt.
People who say they suffer from constipation are usually full of sh!t.