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I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I`d go to hell for.
If Coca-Cola REALLY cared about the obesity problem they`d put cocaine back in their recipe.
I f*cking hate you. Hope that clears things up.
Women have all the answers, to all of your questions, and you don`t even have to ask.
You know you`re getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you`re on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm? How´d that work out for him?
Irons are like 1000 degrees, who`s bright idea was it to make an ironing board the flimsiest contraption ever made?
There are days when everything goes perfectly. . I wonder what those are like?
The fact that Google autocompletes all of my questions just reaffirms how unoriginal all my problems are.
A group hug in my family means someone wants to use you as a napkin.
You know it`s a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
I just heard a woodpecker call me a `paranoid old weirdo` in morse code.
If you have time to update your status as "very busy", then you obviously exaggerated.