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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
In marijuana`s defense, I`m lazy as sh!t completely sober too.
Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
"I really should buckle down and get my rap album going"-Me, every time I drink
I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is talking back right now.
Are you bored? Head over to Walmart, go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, and then yell very loudly, `Hey! There`s no toilet paper in here.`
I wrote a song about a tortilla actually its more of a wrap.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Turtle: I`m the slowest. Snail: No, me. Internet Explorer: Bitch, please
Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.
Life before the computer: Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider’s home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy…you just hoped nobody found out.
I don’t necessarily believe in karma, but I’m gonna be extra careful crossing the street after this weekend.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
if drinking destroys your memory .... what does drinking do ?
I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.