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You just don`t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
Tomorrow I will live in the moment, unless it`s unpleasant, in which case I will eat a cookie.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I dont want to sound like a badass or anything but I play Wii without the wrist strap on....
2 cops walk into a bar... I don`t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
I know you`re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?
Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
Alcohol is never the answer...unless, of course, you ask what I`ll be doing tonight.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: rapping. North West: Mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find `em.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
If flying is really so safe, then why is it called the `terminal`?
I drink coffee for your protection.
I didn`t know until this week that so many people I know are politicians...