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"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call
According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low...Well, sure, it`s hard to steal a car when the owner`s living in it...
Tomorrow is International "Cook a Steak and Then Throw It to a Seagull" Day. Get involved. Don`t question it.
It`s a beautiful day, think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit.
I`d rather spend 5 minutes reorganizing the dishwasher, than spend the 10 seconds it takes to wash the dish that doesn`t fit.
I’m gonna have to get new pets, I’m running out of passwords.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in a long line, loudly, at amusement parks
The term "bath toys" has a whole new meaning when you`re an adult
I went to my local shop for a paper the other day. A guy out of no where started to throw eggs, cream and milk at me. I thought to myself how dairy?
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
I’m drinking because you’re talking.
Today is "find your active cavity at 50% off" day at your local store.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
I`m not saying I`m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I`ll probably do whatever you want
I never run with scissors. (those last two words were unnecessary.)