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The meek shall inherit the earth. Probably because they`re the only ones who won`t complain about what we`ve done to it.
Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
I didn`t text you. Vodka texted you.
Poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange.
When a porn actress is rude at a restaurant, there`s really nothing the staff can put in her food for revenge.
Very excited to announce I`m on the market and actively looking for someone new to make me miserable
Will you go with me to my therapist tomorrow? He thinks I`m making you up.
If your wife asks you if you know where the broom is, it`s not a good idea to ask her if she is going somewhere.
Not sure if I need sex, sleep, or to punch someone in the face.
You could give me 45 years to do homework and I still wouldn’t do it until the night before.
Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.
I was going to do stand up comedy years ago but then I thought ...Ugghhh, standing...
popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $1. watching ur kid bite into a caramel onion thinking its an apple: priceless.
I`m off and running like a wounded herd of turtles on valium
You can’t please everyone, so you might as well just concentrate on me.