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My boss said we needed to find ways to save time and be more productive, so I just moved the coffee maker to my desk
The only reason I liked your post was because I was trying to clean a smudge off my screen.
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is my phone?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch, dumba$$."
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
I think I`m the drunkest person at this bed bath and beyond.
If being an a$$hole was a professional sport, my face would be on a box of wheaties.
I robbed a bank yesterday....now the question is, what to do with all that sperm....
No thanks, Inspirational guy, but I am only on Facebook for the jokes and the meltdowns.
After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I`d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.
The best time to re evaluate your life is when you find your self awake at 3 am reluctantly nodding yes to the questions being asked at the beginning of an infomercial
"You blew a tranny" means something completely different to an auto mechanic.
Anyone know how much snow is too much snow not to go to the liquor store?
I called McDonald`s to make a reservation for Valentine`s Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone.
I went to the Dr today with severe headaches .. he asked if I suffered from any memory loss. I said "How the F would I know?"