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Definition: Brain - Your body`s hardest working organ. It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, from birth until you...fall in love.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that`s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
This week’s weather forecast: Sweaty underboobs.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I`m in whey over my head.
When I tell stories about people I don’t like, I give them ridiculous voices.
Presidents’ Day is just another made up holiday to sell more presidents
We get it poets: things are like other things
Half the time spent on Facebook is likely spent by creeping people and /or staring at the screen waiting for something interesting to happen.
I don`t get why people say "They were busting their ass"? Wasn`t it already cracked to begin with?
Saw a boat with a sign that read "For Sale" so I added the missing "-ing"......Idiots can`t spell...
Girls just wanna have funds.
Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me…I need smarter friends.