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My daughter just explained to me that these dinner postings were not real invites. I have to apologize to all my friends out there for showing up last week.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m slightly inconvenienced and hungry.
So, all theses years I thought it was the dyer making my shirts not fit. now I`m pretty sure it the refrigerator.
Gatorade always has athletes in their commercials sweating and working hard. They really should target their real consumer. A Fat guy on the couch nursing a hangover. Is it in you?
"I have to go eat cake now", should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...
I like to pee on car windows in subzero weather, happy scraping
I wonder how much a zebra would cost if you scan it…
My wife said if this gets 100 likes, we`ll try butt stuff........ * Please DON`T like,,, her strap-on is big and scary.....
You`re telling me, a chicken fried this rice
The trick is not let anyone know how really weird you are until it’s too late to back out.
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you? :D
I really hope my spirit animal is a bear because well I would love to hibernate all winter.
Friends that are with you during your darkest times probably didn’t pay their electric bill either.
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling