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This time change has me all messed up. Driving with my hands at 11 and 3 is hard
If my smartphone was so smart, then why it can`t do my math homework
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach the cookies.
´s status message is better than yours
Dodgeball, but with random people who don`t know that they are playing..............
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
When life hands you lemons it should only remind you to buy more tequila, life is as simple as that.
The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren`t going to see me 7 more times before then.
If you`re going to be original, be prepared to be copied.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.
I only use the outdoors to get to another indoors.
You`re right, you didn`t ask that guy for a d!ck pic, but nobody asked for hundreds of pictures of your face either.