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Enough with the lies, people who drink decaf coffee, tell us what your game plan is.
More often than not, the excitement of a Facebook friend request dies upon discovering who it is.
I wake up every morning with the joy & excitement of wanting to go directly back to sleep.
I don`t care if you`re here to murder me - we take our shoes off in this house.
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
I farted on my wallet. Now I have gas money
If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over?” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you” is a bad answer, apparently
There`s a sense of great satisfaction when I`m the tie breaker between `Funny` and `Not Funny` status updates.
A fun thing to do when leaving the Zoo, is too start frantically running and yelling "OMG they`ve all escaped!"
If cats could talk, they`d probably always be correcting your grammar.
This is my first status of 2017. Yeah, I thought it would be better too.
I`m not perfect, but I`m the best me there is or ever will be.
I`d love to have kids one day. Two days, tops.
When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
Laughter is the best medicine, but if you are laughing for no reason, you might need medicine.