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It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
Oh you better not pout. You better not cry. You better not shout I`m telling you why. Nobody gives a f*ck.
I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
He turned to her, ran his hand up her thigh, across her belly and down her legs. When he turned back to watch TV, she asked "Why stop?" "I found the remote!" he replied.
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
I inject vodka right into the orange. Screwdriver-to-go
doesn`t mind that people start spreading rumors about me.. it’s when they spread the truth that I’m screwed ;)
I can`t wait to get all liquored up, and then go door-to-door to sing some Christmas Carols when it starts to warm up in April...
I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
The only honest people in the world are small children and me after a couple cocktails.
If Facebook has taught us anything, it`s that a lot of people are not quite ready for a Spelling Bee.
And I was like “No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi.” And she was all “Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies.”
Do you ever just look at someone and think "Wow, let me take off your pants."
If by "crunches" you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.