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“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
I don`t get offered drugs nearly as often as D.A.R.E. said I would.
I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.
I love my car. Without it, I would not be where I am today.
So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.
Ugly people who live in glass houses…shouldn`t live in glass houses.
Ex Girlfriend: Omg! I had a dream about you last night!! Ex Boyfriend: Aww thats so sweet, what happend? Ex Girlfriend: U died :)
You know your old when your back goes out more than you do.
There`s a lot of perks being a single parent, for one no witnesses.
A smile is the same in every language, I`m pretty sure the pee pee dance is too
If there’s one thing that having kids will teach you, it’s home repair.
Shouting "Not it!" should still make us exempt from doing anything that we don`t feel like doing.
If McDonald´s sold hot dogs, could u, with a straight face, order a McWeiner & tell them 2 super size it?
I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn`t in a band.
I think my phone has a Miley virus,It stopped twerking