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Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious!
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler. Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Karaoke bars combine two of the worlds greatest evils—people who shouldn`t drink with people who shouldn`t sing.
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
If a clown farts, does it smell funny?
I wish that we lived in a world where a chicken could cross the road without getting its motives questioned.
I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.
"I want to be cuddled, but I want to be alone. Being crazy is hard." - WOMEN
Good morning friends … Wait … what the hell m I doing up this early?
Just assume that we aren’t close enough for you to send me a game invites on Facebook.
Seriously, dude...Is there a name for what`s wrong with you?
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
Indecisiveness is just mental constipation.
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor`s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...