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If you watch COPS backwards it`s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Gas prices are a lot like girls: We just wish they would go down.
If you`re single and you know it hug your cat!
This bulk box of peanuts I got from Costco tastes like styrofoam.
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
Wanna come over for pizza and sex? I`m just kidding ... there`s no pizza.
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
My daughter exclaims "Cheers!" before she takes a drink of juice. So no, actually, I am NOT looking forward to parent - teacher conferences.
Him: What to play Trivial Pursuit? Her: Sure, But I,m not that smart. Him: What to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.
That sound the Ketch-up make when you squeeze out the last drop, NEVER fails in making people laugh
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people.
You don`t know true competition until you`re one of the last two people in musical chairs.
Kinda funny how the Mayans said we were all gonna die in 2012, but they all disappeared way before us.