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You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
Sorry that offended you, I really didn’t think you’d get it.
Does ke$ha go by k€sha in Europe?
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Meal prepping is basically eating a week`s worth of leftovers from a meal that never happened.
Screw getting an alarm system. I`ve seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
My personal fast food philosophy: If nobody knows you went to McDonald`s, you didn`t really go to McDonalds.
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
If your problem can`t be solved by me saying "damn" and nodding a lot, then you shouldn`t come to me for help.
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
I am there for you no matter what, anytime, day or night, unless there is something good on TV or I am eating pie
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
If you`re sad/single/both on valentines day just remember you can buy 40 chicken nuggets at McDonald`s for $8.99
If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke break a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
Today somebody called me a model! Well they said "poster boy for birth control", but I knew what they meant.