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Roses are red Your thong is pink Cover that up You`re not as hot as you think.
One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
I missed that one episode of The Walking Dead where they show us how the zombies keep everyone`s lawns so freshly mowed.
No body on there deathbed said I wish I had spent more time at work
I do 5 situps every morning. I know it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times one can hit the "snooze" button......
I don`t want to be bothered with stupid $h!t today. What is stupid $h!t? Anything I don`t want to be bothered with.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
Somehow the talk went a little wrong with my 7 year old and now he`s convinced that birds have sex with bees and now he won`t eat honey.
My wife gives me sound advice. 99% sound. 1% advice.
It’s not you. It’s me finally realizing that you’re terrible.
If you see someone crying, ask if it`s because of their haircut.
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband
You`ve got to love yourself. But not in public places.
IRS: We`ve got what it takes to take what you`ve got.
You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I`m telling you why...we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours.