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Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.
I won`t be impressed with technology until I can download food.
I’ve never considered myself much of a conspiracy theorist. Then I discovered the letters in Frito Lay could be rearranged to spell Oily Fart- Coincidence?… I think not!!!
Marriage. Because your sh!tty day doesn`t have to end at work.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
Mouth the word " vacuum" to a stranger & see what happens.
If you put a "Student Driver" sign on top of your car, Nobody will ever suspect you of drunk driving.
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
facebook is the only book we read everyday.
I`m thinking one of us should probably break the news to the phone book makers that there`s this thing called Google now
Procrastination: when "make a bucket list" is on your bucket list.
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.
STD`s aren`t like pokémon, your not suppose to catch`em all!