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my ex girlfriends started they`re own website they call it two faced book...
I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: “How did you know this was here?”
My fake plant died because I didn`t pretend to water it
I`m not saying you`re a slut but you`re dirtier than my browser history.
I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.
You look like you only got about 5 of your 8 hours of beauty sleep last night...
I spend 90% of my time at the gym choosing the right song for my workout.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like ten so you can choose.
The worst about the weekend?? The ending part.
If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
When I see a cute couple making out I yell, ” I knew you’re seeing somebody else!” and run crying.
Secret Web Cam Test: Please nod your head yes if you can read this.
I just found my Christmas Spirit.... It`s been in aisle 6 at this liquor store the whole time!
Just because nobody complains doesn`t mean all parachutes are perfect.
I need a new bad decision.