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If you can`t handle me at my worst...I don`t blame you, neither can I.
My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.
What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)
I never meant to be so cold, I never meant to be so cold. - Mother nature
I may love you...but everyone else thinks you suck! I was kidding... I think you suck too.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
I meant to make you a rum cake but somehow I made you a plain cake and now Iām drunk.
I have lost my mind and I am making no effort to look for it.
Coffee, you`re on the bench ... Alcohol suit up!!
omg I just found out I`m allergic to exercise...at first I get all flushed, then I break out in a sweat, my heart starts pounding really fast, then I cant breath........i wont be doing that again!
When I first went on the pill, I put on some weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
If she burns the bacon, she`s no good bro
I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 9 billion dollars.
And suddenly those annoying neighbors that leave their Christmas lights up all year long look like geniuses.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you`d be back. I seem to have that effect on people Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave