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I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
What if pay-phones are disappearing so they can keep us in the matrix?
When it comes to bug protection, you just can`t beat "OFF!".
You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.
Wow! Sit-Downs are way easier than Sit-Ups!
By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I`ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
Are you one of those people that get hurt from things posted on Facebook? You can easily avoid that by keeping your a$$ off of Facebook.
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say “b.r.b” instead of “r.i.p”.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
You`ll never see me on Hoarders because I can`t afford that much sh!t.
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"
I don`t use cocaine, I just like the way it smells.
Why is "Pissed" an expression of being upset? I`ve never been so mad that I pee`d myself.