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The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
If you tell someone your Birthday and they automatically know your astrological sign, run as fast as you can away from them.
Step 1: Remove food from packaging. Step 2: Throw out packaging Step. 3: Dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time, Repeat steps 2 & 3 as necessary
Care less and you’ll stress less.
"Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam
You can always tell a lot from that first kiss, especially when they say things like "please stop" and "who are you?"
I like my women like I like my motorcycles. Not ridden by all my friends.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
I`d hit that. - women drivers
been there, done that, wrote the book and have the t-shirt to prove it. What more do you want!
Don’t let anybody push you around ... unless you’re in a wagon, cuz that is just plain fun.
For some reason I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why
Sharks aren’t so bad. If some stranger entered my house wearing only a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.
have you ever looked at someone and thought, "yeah you definitely have someone locked away in your basement."
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it... turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.