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Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
Women need a tattoo that somehow signals their menstrual cycle ... * A Cramp Stamp
Why didn`t Spider-Man`s enemies just move to a city without skyscrapers?
I just don`t want to look back and think "I could`ve eaten that"
I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
What kind of jerk makes an anti-anxiety pill difficult to break in half?
No matter what happens this month, at least you’re not a turkey.
I just saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth ... She was down to the final four.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress so that I’ll have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
I`ve always wondered why they don`t have a pregnant Barbie doll? Turns out Ken comes in a different box...
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
If you`re going to be original, be prepared to be copied.
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
Eating Popcorn: 90% during the trailers. 10% during the movie.
A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women`s facial expressions. Main reason? They usually aren`t looking at her face.