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Boobs are a lot like train sets, they were meant for kids, but dad always ends up wanting to play with them.
When your life flashes before your eyes does that include the black outs? That`d be cool. Like your life but with never before seen footage.
Just bought myself a mistletoe belt buckle. Wish me luck.
Mary, mary quit contrary, watched their garden thrive. The cops found seed of a very odd weed; Now they`s doing three to five.
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problems. 99% demons.
I like people... From a distance.
If women ruled the world, There would be no wars. just a bunch of counties not talking to each other!
Hey bartender, pour me another, I see ugly people.
I don`t drink to get drunk, I drink to.....no wait, I definitely drink to get drunk.
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
I`m absolutely nailing this "I give a sh!t" face today!
just bought 400 copies of Hoarders: Season 1. Not sure what to do with them.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
Why do single people take advice from other single people? That’s like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions
"Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife`s question: "how does my make-up look?"