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If I like you, I’ll let you hold the TV remote when we watch TV. If I love you, I won’t take the batteries out of it beforehand.
Got my friend a Starbucks gift card. 2 weeks later I get a call. They said hey Dean, u put any money on this Starbucks gift card. I said no it´s a gift card. That´s the beauty of it u can put as much money on it as u want.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
I`m an optimist. I didn`t lose a sock in the dryer. I found an extra one!
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
The internet has made me so ADD. Started off googling "how to replace a timing belt" ended up watching a video on how to milk a camel.
Save water- shower with me!
First, Ray Rice. Now, Adrian Peterson. The prison football league is going to be off the chain this year.
Bacon is the only exception that does not fall under the 5 second rule for dropped food.
Energy conservation activists would get more attention if they called themselves power rangers.
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just for that one day.
Isn’t it funny how people that talk too much also have annoying voices?
Football: 22 people on the field desperately in need of rest and 75,000 in the stands desperately in need of exercise.