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Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone`s food pics and posting the calories.
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
If your lawyer has a ponytail, you`re going to jail
I think pet shops should give a free laser pointer with every Cat purchase.
I`m not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
Big deal, Times Square, I drop the ball at least twice a week.
If at first you don`t succeed then maybe you just suck.
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
There`s a warning light on my dashboard of a vague exclamation point. It`s like when my girlfriend was mad at me and she wouldn`t say why.
I love the gym this time of year. The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.
My ice bucket challenge: 1. Buy bucket 2. Add ice 3. Add 12 beers 4. Sign into FB and drink
I used to think I was good at multi-tasking. Turns out it’s just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.