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I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’. You probably saw our posters on poles.
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
Those Box Tops that raise money for schools really should be on wine labels and cases of beer.
Pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer.....me trying not to drop a child
We have GPS that can navigate you across the country. Why can`t someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?
Studies show that people with high sex drives also tend to be very forgetful. Did I tell you guys that already?
Today I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word "irony."
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
Not now, I`m busy bringing shame to my family on the internet.
awkward moment when the dentist is talking to you with his hands on your mouth
I’m not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on.
Kids today will never appreciate how difficult it used to be finding pictures of naked people.
It`s as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.
Bicyclists, it`s one thing to hog the road, but it`s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.