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Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it`s there to stab potential taco thieves.
That`s not chapstick in my front pocket.
Marriage: It`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year, and then discover once a year is way too often.
I don`t exactly have a "to do" list. I have what you might call "If I ever log off Facebook and feel like getting around to doing it" list.
Well that`s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I`m doing.
Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.
I wonder how many 5 Hour Energy`s it would take to levitate?
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
I could write an entire book on excuses,,, but I have to pick my grandma up at the airport.
The best part of winter coming is that all the bugs are rotting in hell where they belong.
I hate getting my picture taken. Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.
Keep up the good work, people who make free porn available.