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I`m thinking about investing some serious cash in gold....or maybe some other color.
I still miss my ex. But my aim is gettin` better.
I love my toilet. We`ve been through alot of sh!t together.
I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
5 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
Girl: I am not having having s@x with guys at the moment. Boy:I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue
PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
You know its bad when you feel like your life is being directed by Quentin Tarantino.
My kids are the reason I wake up every morning. Really freaking early. Every...Single...Morning...
All I`m saying is if I`m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
My wife says I talk while I sleep. But Iām skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
Why is it called mooning when you`re actually showing uranus?
I just found out that his full name is actually, Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.
My mind has a mind of its own.
"I love you unconditionally*." -God *certain terms and conditions apply. See Bible for more details.