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one of the Olsen twins got married earlier today! when the fiance was asked "which one???" he replied "who cares???"
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I`m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
You know you are paranoid when you think this joke is about you.
Sometimes it’s funnier when you DON’T add “lol” at the end. lol
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
When i see a person hailing a cab, i run quickly by them and slap them a high five just to boost their enthusiasm!
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I`m Tweeting." Boss: "What`s the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
I hate when people stare at me and don’t say anything. I mean if you want an autograph or a picture just ask..!
The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line
I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.
Afraid my muffin top is desiring to become a pound cake.
DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.
every woman iz beautuful n her unique way, smtimz it needs sm amount of alcohol to see with