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I may look like I`m doing nothing, but in my head I`m quite busy.
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??
Girl: I am not having having s@x with guys at the moment. Boy:I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue
Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.
What kind of jerk makes an anti-anxiety pill difficult to break in half?
If only I did everything with the same precision in which I craft my sandwiches.
that akward moment when you finish doing your thing in the toilet and you realise there is no tissue
Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
I don`t always say I`m never drinking again, but when I do, I`m a f*cking liar.
My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall ... I plan on sticking to it.
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
wife: It`s ruining date night me: It`s ruining date night because you`re letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: Just drop me off on the corner
When you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
Man, the first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.