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I may not have the best parenting skills; but, in my defense, my kids don`t have the best childing skills, either.
I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.
No, I didn`t say I was a taxidermist. I said, I can stuff your beaver.
"The Ugly Duckling" has a great message. Everything in life will work itself out once you become physically attractive.
People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but so was yesterday, and look how that turned out...
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
hate it when someone says they are miserable when their profile picture says otherwise.
Nobody texts faster than a pissed off female.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
I would be a great procrastinator ... if I could ever get around to it.
A friend of mine asked if I was coming to her wedding. I said no, I`ll catch the next one. She`s mad at me now.
"Someday, your phone will cost more than your computer" - said no one ever.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won`t buy the book.