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I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
I`m not sure where you learned to whisper but I`m guessing inside a helicopter surrounded by f*cking chainsaws.
How do you know you`re old? ... Check your glove box for paper maps ...
The more I drink, the more I realize how much more I still want to drink.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
"Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...
A boob job sounds like the best job in the world.
In a new study women with large a$$es live longer………the men who tell them live distinctively shorter lives.
I don`t work that hard, I just make everything look way more difficulat than it is...
LOQ "Laugh Out Quietly" because LOL is giving me a headache
Some of the happiest years of a woman`s life are when she`s 29.
The problem in general terms is that people suck.
Nice try speed bumps, it`s a rental.
You know that look women get when they want sex ? ..........me neither.