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Taking down my Christmas tree would probably just be a waste of time at this point.
Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
The human body is roughly 60% water. I`m not fat, I`m flooded.
I will never be to old to laugh when somone farts in a public bathroom peeing..
Just because I`m awake doesn`t mean I`m ready to do things
Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.
The package says "Do not eat raw cookie dough" but all I really see is "Pillsbury hates you and doesn`t want you to be happy."
I feel like there should be more breakfast beers on the market.
Broke up with my girlfriend. She was into the horoscope stuff and we weren`t compatible. I`m a libra and shes a...b!tch
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
I love talking about nothing. It’s the only thing I know anything about.
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
You’re one of those women that my mom warned me about…Here’s my number.
The last time I went to a nude beach I got a ticket. The officer said I was applying my sunscreen...Too Fast.
why don`t we get discounts for ringing up our own groceries in self checkout?