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That`s not how I met your mother.
I inject vodka right into the orange. Screwdriver-to-go
My bank balance is a constant reminder that I`m safe from identity theft
Bumper stickers are helpful for recognizing members of society you do not want to associate with.
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an I-pad
If you don`t like me now, you won`t like me later because I just get worse.
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep
Unless your kid`s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
I`m at my neighbor`s house having the most delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home!
what do you mean booze ain`t food!?
Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
It was so cold out today i actually saw a few gangsters with their pants pulled up.
My pet rock turned 4,054,870,001 today