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I don`t know which is worse... waiting for someone to get out of the bathroom so you can use it or hearing them say "come in" when you knock on the bathroom door...
Why can`t braille just be in the shape of the letters?
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth
If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you."
"I can`t wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Parts of a worm: 1) Worm
I`d like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...
Things that keep me awake # 408...How do Amish girls know if it’s a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?
It’s pretty scary that before facebook… All these thoughts and stuff just stayed in peoples heads.
The fact that Google autocompletes all of my questions just reaffirms how unoriginal all my problems are.
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don`t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!
I just need someone to feed me and tell me I’m pretty.