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I always laugh at myself. If I didn´t, everyone else would be having fun without me.
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn`t even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.
I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please dont let Kevin Bacon die!
Nothing good goes into a microwave at 2:00am.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS? EUROPE: How can we save our economy? AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
I like candle lit dinners, romantic walks on the beach, and hardcore pornography.
Car commercials make driving around in empty parking structures look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy.
The best thing about marriage is how wives always like to joke about making sure the life insurance premiums are paid up...
I`m not saying my wife`s voice is annoying, but right now I`m really jealous of deaf people.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
The best way to let people remember you is to `borrow money from them`
The person next to me just farted.. Does this mean my lungs are full of his poo particles -.-
Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don`t have Cancer! Me: So it`s working...