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that awkward moment when you`re scuba diving and you see Adele rolling in the deep.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would`ve been if he`d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I`m pretty sure the phrase "Did I say that out loud?" is just a way of adding an exclamation point.
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
Is there a phobia for leaving the house when your phone isn`t fully charged? There should be.
I don`t really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids` history textbooks.
I`ll never be to old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
My motto is "Never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...
The worst part of Aquaman`s day has to be, when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
To a cop, doing donuts in a parking lot has a whole different meaning.
Why can`t life be as easy as I am?
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "THERES ONE." -same guy, you`re british.
Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it`s none of my damn business.