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I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can’t these days. My phone battery just doesn’t have the stamina any more.
First the Jerk cut me off in traffic, then stole my parking space, then his stupid car got paint all over my key!
I bet anyone who`s had to fight a bear has snuck at least one hug in
Chasing your dreams is hard... especially when that damn alarm keeps going off
If someone starts a sentence with "words can`t express," brace yourself, because they`re about to give it a hell of a try anyway.
If you are willing to date an ex, it means that you`re backwards compatible.
I hope these environmentally friendly toilets save at least 3x the water because that’s how many times I need to flush.
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
Rick Ross be rapping about cars he can`t even fit in.
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Happy New Year you guys.
To calculate the average number of times a guy has sex per week, multiply the number of fantasy football leagues he`s in by the number zero.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says "Please give me a hand" is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Birds do it. Bees do it. Heck, even fleas do it. Let`s do it! Let`s live in a homeless man`s beard!
I’ve never met a weekend that I didn’t like.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.