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No I don`t think you`re stupid, I just think you have real bad luck when it comes to thinking
I wonder how many strangers have stories about me.
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.
Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people.
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
Decided to get in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich!
Do watch out for elderly neighbours in the heat wave. They`re liable to trap you for hours and talk about the weather.
Wanted a nap but had trouble getting to sleep. So I put on Seeking a Friend for the End of the World. Now 13 hours later, I`m well rested.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she`ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Admit it, we all have that special someone we`d visit if given a tank to drive for a day
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment.
You`re right, vodka. This is the perfect time to use a hammer.
Dating Tip: Find a partner with a compatible phone charger.