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The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
I got BOMBED last night and decided to do my own taxes and guess what! I`m getting 4 million dollars back this year!
One things for sure, I can always count on my fingers.
You know what I like about people? Their dogs.
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Yup, she needs a walker.
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there`s an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH"..
Be careful when you`re watching a movie with your wife. You`re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
Walmart needs observation decks.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
In fact, yes, l can multitask. I can screw up several things at once.
Me: You`re the prettiest girl I`ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you`re smart too, I like that.
Does anybody know how to disable the autocorrect feature on my wife ?
1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance – My stages of getting ready for work
Leave a comment if you`ve started drinking. Hit the `Like` button if you`re already sh!tfaced. *Cheers*