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I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.
How many facebook friends do you have that if they posted "I`m depressed and on the edge", your first thought would be to poke them?
I don`t believe in karma, but I do believe in punching people in the face.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
There is a 100% chance that I’ve called some of the most wonderful people in the world the most horrible things imaginable while in traffic.
When I found out my toaster wasn`t waterproof, I was shocked!
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
Been there, done that. Then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.
I`m glad I`ve got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me
Cleavage is like the sun. You can look, but don’t stare.. Unless you’re wearing sunglasses.
People ask me why I don`t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?
If I could turn snarky sarcasm into a paying job, I could be employed for infinity.
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever
It’s not a nap unless your face wakes up in a puddle of your own drool.
FACT: There’s always room for another cupcake.