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People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s a$$ to fall off.
“Was that lightning?” “No no…. they’re taking pictures for Google Earth..”
If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. Not the best idea a man ever had ;)
No one ever said life was easy, but several people did say that you were.
Thank God you`ve updated your status to "Finished lunch" after you first posted "Going to lunch" I really couldn`t tolerate more suspense.
My nickname is Gilette because I`m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Old enough to know better, young enough to take a dare...
When I die, bury me with a pack of smokes, no light. Where I`m going, there will have plenty of free fires to light from.
My clothes are 75% off and this is not a sale.
I used to be a kleptomaniac but now I take something for it.
Everytime I see a person jogging I already know they have facebook, everyone on facebook works out.
Don’t compare yourself to others, that’s when you start to lose confidence in yourself.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
What if Spider Man has to stop a crime in the countryside
"kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem