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Sometimes, I drink a glass of water, just to surprise my liver!
Iām classically trained in the art of Nintendo.
Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I`m beginning to wonder if you`re a T-Rex.
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
If I dont clean my house soon. They are gonna bring in blindfolded people to do a Febreze commercial
A cop comes up to a man on the street. Cop: Seen anything unusual? Man: A dolphin with a hat once. Cop: I mean around here. Man: No, they live in water.
In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.
I dont care how you live your life, so just let me live mine. Yeah whatever.
The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered sh!t without pickles in it.
A "Tap Out" sticker on your mini van still makes it a mini van.
I have read so much about the dangers of drinking and smoking, that i have decided to quit reading
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
You can not force anyone to love you ... The best you can do is stalk them and hope they give in :)
Things that make you go Mmmmmmm - Duct Tape