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Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
I wash once and dry 3-4 times, depending on how much I want to delay folding my clothes.
You`re from my dreams... Or nightmares. I can`t decide which.
"I’m not drunk!” is an argument only very drunk people think they can win
My pet unicorn told me that I was being delusional again. :/
On a scale of one to crazy, how many cats do you have?
Don’t ask me again” is my favorite computer button that I wish was also a real life button.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges to keep the crazies from following you.
I forgot to post this earlier
Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold.
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
When it comes to f*cking around, I don`t f*ck around.
If you no longer know what day of the week it is, it’s time to get a job.
Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. I’m not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.