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Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
What a snow day inside with the kids! My one son thought it would be a good idea to fill up the garage freezer with snow to save for later and my other son had an "accident" and peed all over the floor in the bathroom. Youd think they know better at 13 and 15 years old! I probably should stop letting them drink beer in the house.
Forecast for tonight: Dark.
If I could have anything in the world it would be to have the same finger prints as my enemy
I mean if men are better at math why do they get the lenght wrong all the time.
Tattoos are an expensive and a painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification
My wife said if this gets 100 likes, we`ll try butt stuff........ * Please DON`T like,,, her strap-on is big and scary.....
My neighbor`s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Why do I even have unlimited texting?
Ever since I installed AdBlock, all the single ladies in my area seemed to have lost interest.
Me: Mom...Dad. I`ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside
"..all the king`s horses & all the king`s men couldn`t get Humpty together again" ... What guy thought horses might figure it out?
"You blew a tranny" means something completely different to an auto mechanic.
If you`re going to stalk me at least notice when I`m running low on toilet paper & change the roll.
If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.