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Happy people don`t take long showers.
It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the a$$holes asked me to turn it down.
FYI: Push-up bras don`t actually help you do more push-ups :(
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn´t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
For the record when I was a kid I never wanted to be an adult.
I spend 90% of my time at the gym choosing the right song for my workout.
I accidentally shoveled the sidewalk all the way to the bar again.
I have two moods: sleep is for the weak and sleeping for a week.
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time
Is it yoga if you wear sweatpants all day and then hunch over the garbage can as you eat a burrito?
I like dressing in a red polo shirt then going to Target & being rude to costumers
Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard.
When someone tells you they`re playing a STD game... But you later realise they were talking about Spot The Difference.