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You all take typos way too serious, you gays.
Being an adult is mainly drinking coffee and pretending to be productive.
If it requires pants, its not happening today.
I like candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach and hardcore pornography.
My friends most commonly describe me as "who?"
This week’s weather forecast: Sweaty underboobs.
Chuck Norris doesn`t flush the toilet...he just scare the sh!t out of it.
There`s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
That amazing moment when you smack the remote and it actually works!
Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.
At the end of the day, life should ask us, Do you want to save the changes?
I found out last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee is sleeping right through it.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Man I love watching women`s curling in the Olympics. It`s the only time I get to drink beer while cheering on women sweeping and no one slaps me.
I need a job that pays at least 10,000 dollars an hour.