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If I won the lottery, I don`t think I would change much. I`d still be the same asshole, just one in a helicopter.
If my computer desktop were an actual place, they would bring in blindfolded people to make a Febreeze commercial.
You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
I don`t mind that my wife goes out to play bingo every night. It`s the coming back home part that bothers me.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning
I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime.
Age has its advantages. Too bad I can`t remember what they are.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
I`m concerned my kids will end up in therapy because I didn`t tell everyone on FB how much I love them.
I was planning to do something today, but I haven’t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep
Eleventeen percent of the population makes up words.
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do... And for those who like country music, denigrate means ‘to speak badly of`.
When in doubt, read Facebook Statuses, you`ll see you`re not the only crazy one around