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Look, all I`m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.
A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don`t understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.
The term "bath toys" has a whole new meaning when you`re an adult
I never forget a breast, I mean face. I never forget a face.
Nascar would be so more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed I tell ya. PUSHED!!!!!!
The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they`re thinking "Why don`t you just eat ALL the food?"
It`s funny how my car drives slower on the way to work, than when I`m on my way home.
For the life of me, I can’t understand why small and medium pizzas exist.
Whenever you feel nobody cares or loves you. You should ask yourself...Am I TOO sexy?
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time :(
I would like to publicly apologize to anyone I have NOT offended…I will get to you shortly.
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!