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"I`m on my way." -People who haven`t even left the house yet.
"Just be yourself" doesn`t work if you suck.
I`m ashamed of what I did for a Klondike bar.
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
You know you`re addicted to your iphone when you start using your fingers to zoom into things on your laptop computer. Or a printed photo. Or a book. Or your watch.
I think a good gauge of my personality is that I watch Homeland to relax.
Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.
If I was a waiter.. I would plant fake engagement rings in every girl`s champagne glass, just to see their boyfriends panic.
According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
there is no strong beer, only weak men
Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?
Hey Pringles, it`s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn`t exactly thin-wristed.
They say money doesn`t bring you happiness.... I say....neither does being broke....