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I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a bathroom mirror selfie.
The guy that discovered milk...What was he doing to that cow?
My minivan is always rocking, but it`s usually because I`m trying to smack one of the kids in the backseat while I drive.
If my sarcasm confuses you it`s because you`re stupid.
Selfie... Because it`s important to realize that it`s not the photographer who is making you look ugly.
"I`m only having one" ...said by many, practiced by none.
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
If A-B-C-D didn’t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn’t have to be so rushed.
I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
Boobs are to men what light bulbs are to moths.
Did you know dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your a$$ smelling like meadows and rain drops?
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
Why do pickup truck commercials think it`s very important that I`m able to tow a plane?
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.