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Can`t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it`s technically a cat
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach the cookies.
If you can´t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don´t know where you are.
The unplanned moments tend to be the best ones.
Someone just told me to "Have a good morning". What about the rest of my day mother f*cker?
After how long is it ok to tell your friends that they are imaginary?
I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say `I would do anything for love`. On the back, `But I wont do that!`
If someone throws a rock at you, throw a flower back at them, but, make sure the flower is still in the pot..
Life is just like a p@nis: Simple, relaxed and hanging freely, It`s the women who make it hard.
Every novel is a mystery, if you never finish it.
Football: 22 people on the field desperately in need of rest and 75,000 in the stands desperately in need of exercise.
Sleep is like a time machine to breakfast.
Crazy is not a destination, it is a way of life.