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Organized people are just too lazy to look for things!
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!
All bad decisions are ultimately made using the same piece of resounding logic: “Screw it.”
Anybody else have that annoying problem of Work and Family interfering with your FaceBook time?
Dear neighbor mowing your yard this morning, I found my bagpipes for tonight.
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?
8 more days and I will finally get rid of last years Halloween candy.
I`m still trying to get over the fact that oranges are pre-sliced by nature.
You know it`s time to delete Facebook when your mom, dad, uncles, aunties, grandparents etc... is on it.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"
I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he`s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.