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A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge
I`m one more bottle of wine away from starting a blog.
“I’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “I`m telling mom”
Patience is not about how long you can wait, but how well you behave while waiting.
keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
My neighbours diary say`s I have boundary issues.
Can I have a free unlimited day trial of being attractive?
God knew that there would be times that a single middle finger wouldn`t be enough.
Hush little laptop don`t you cry,mumma gonna find you some more wifi.
You should have seen the guy who unlocked the liquor store this morning. It was like he never saw anyone roll up a sleeping bag before.
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
If your girlfriends cat gets eaten by an angry pitbul terrier, gently singing "The circle of life" into her ear WILL NOT cheer her up.
A friend of mine told me i have to update my self and I asked my self : does he mean there can be a latest version of me?
People say that I have no idea what hard work is. That`s not true! I know exactly what it is... How do you think I avoid it so easily?