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Unlike milk, it is acceptable to cry over spilled beer.
Some people wouldn`t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Care less and you’ll stress less.
There is no harm in imitating a porn movie. But stopping in between because you are imitating the buffering part (!), is unacceptable.
My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.
I don`t know if I`ve got some free time, or if I just forgot what the hell I`m supposed to be doing...
I think Facebook is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.
Kicking a man while he’s down burns 150 calories.
There was a glorious time, before social media, when you would just lose touch with people.
Is it even possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement?
I`ve been baptized five times this week in five different churches. I wish the landlord would hurry up and fix my shower.
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
I like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i`m the one