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Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that`s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.
I am not available because I am looking at porn that takes up the whole computer screen
If you make something easier for yourself they call you lazy. If you make something easier for everyone else they call you a genius.
My neighbor just spent $237.43 at the vet, that`s $1,662.01 in dog dollars.
Back in my day, we didn’t have computers or the internet. Everyone had to walk uphill for days to tell me I’m an a$$hole.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don`t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Do you ever watch a movie and realize you have to watch it again because you were on your phone the whole time?
I`ve seen more pins in the last few days then stone cold steve austin on groundhog day..
Learn a lesson from your dog. No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that crap and move on.
Oh, you have a brand new boyfriend? Please tell me more about how you think he`s `the one`.
I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say `I would do anything for love`. On the back, `But I wont do that!`
I hope when I die, it`s early in the morning so I don`t go to work that day for no reason.
After a night of heavily drinkin` there`s one thing I can`t stand...and that`s up.
Someone asked me if I`m ever scared that I`ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.