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If you figure me out I want an explanation.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...Why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?
So vegetarians eat vegetables... I think I`m going to play it safe and avoid humanitarians.
Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
Lazy Fact #69302246777573 - You were too lazy to read that number.
You call it multiple personality disorder... I call it being mayor of the little town in my head!
Pretty sure I look forward to my boss` vacation`s more than he does.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
Don’t break anyone’s heart; they only have one. Break they’re bones. They have over 200 of them.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
Is there really a need for constipation medicines and stool softeners in a world where burritos and tacos exist?
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day. That seems like a strange place to put a call center?