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If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains. Kind of like when I see my wife going thru my phone.
I always laugh at myself. If I didn´t, everyone else would be having fun without me.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I wasn`t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
There`s a lot of perks being a single parent, for one no witnesses.
It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married, right?
Never judge a girl`s boob size by their jacket.
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.......
"Hey homie!" - How I greet my house whenever I arrive.
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you? :D
I wish that life had an option for viewing other available episodes.
Occasionally, I like to take a look through my old status updates and smile at my sparkling wit.
Carrots may be good for your eyes, but alcohol will double your vision.