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Dating: the process of hiding your crazy just long enough to get the other person to commit.
Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
Hump Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
If my body was a car, I`d trade it in for a newer model. Cause everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhaust backfires.
I`d be vegetarian ... if bacon grew on trees.
Today was about as much fun as a warm toilet seat in a public restroom!
-buys lottery ticket -fantasizes about winning the lottery -smiles -loses lottery -resumes general hatred for life
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven`t even seen me in bed yet.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world...
DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.
At this point I`m just waiting for summer to be cancelled completely.
The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.
Give a man a fish & he`ll be all "WTF are you giving me a fish for? That`s weird" Teach a man to fish & he`ll be all "Again with the fish?"
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them so damn often.