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How the hell do you call Batman during the day?
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
Relationships are like batteries, they have a positive & a negative side. And you end up whacking your remote instead of changing them.
Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I`ll play mine
I feel like I`m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don`t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago
I like my women how I like my straws …. Bendy and full of liquor.
I had a doctors appointment today. He said I was normal! See? I told you!!!
I`m no cactus expert, but I know a pr!ck when I see one
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and thats were I sleep...
From all these shows I`ve watched it seems like snipers lay down a lot of the day....I`d probably be pretty good at that job.
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
I wish "You idiot" was an appropriate way to end a work email.
I can think of other ways to eat fresh, but I`ll settle for this subway sandwich.
I kinda like zombies...but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk? ... my apocolypse plans depend on it ... thanks!