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How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?.... It`s been an hour.
Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure, When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure, When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems, When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever`s bugging you.
If you can’t be a good example, then you’l just have to serve as a horrible warning
I hate when people say, "I gotta get my body right for the summer." ...like, wtf are you going to do about your face???
Who called them expiration dates instead of spoiler alerts
They don`t even serve apples at Applebee`s. Or bees.
If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.
Watching these gymnasts doing the balance beam is making me feel really bad about almost missing the couch.
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
Some people walk into your life and leave footprints on your heart. Some people walk into life and make you want to leave footprints on their face
When I say I can cook, I mean I can melt cheese on stuff.
Having the worst day ever. All traffic lights I passed were green so I had to stop on the side of the road to check my Facebook like some caveman.
Alright, I give up! I`ve listened to the song like 50 times now, and I still don`t know what the fox is saying!