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I don`t hate you, I`m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
If others are jealous, you’re doing something right.
I bet the hardest part of working the poison control hotline is not finishing your sentences with "...you ignorant dumbass"
I didn´t outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can`t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
I went to my local shop for a paper the other day. A guy out of no where started to throw eggs, cream and milk at me. I thought to myself how dairy?
An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
Yoga is a great way to meet and embarrass yourself in front of women
If I was gonna make a bomb, I`d use the same color wire for the whole thing.
Why is it called Boob Sweat and not Humiditties?
I felt really mischievous earlier so I bought a McDonalds and ate it at a KFC
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Fitness? More like, fitness whole pizza in my mouth.
I quit beer every time I wake up hung over