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I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
What is the difference between a trapeze artist and a supermodel?. The trapeze artist has a cunning stunt.
It`s not a real relationship until their zip code is in your Weather Channel app.
When I was a kid…no wait, I still do that.
I am, have to avoid the leg cramps during sex, years old.
I don`t care about your choice in politics, religion, or taste in music... I judge you simply based on football team preference
I love asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because I`m still looking for ideas.
"Sleeping on the couch" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
There’s nothing worse than getting $0.99 back in change.
I need a better plan of action when my phone rings than throwing it.
Screw you, little sticker on fruit!
B is the best letter of the alphabet: Boobs, Buns, Booty, Booze, Beer, Bourbon, and Bacon.
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.
Cops never say “thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed”. It’s just plain selfish.
Every so often you come across a person who always smiles no matter what, that person is the reason why random bitch slaps should be a thing