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You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
Why do they waste so much money on all the checkout lanes at Walmart, when they only have two of them open at any given time.
In honor of St. Patrick`s Day, I`m going to create a hybrid of a four leaf clover and poison ivy and give myself a rash of good luck
My birthday is coming up. I dont like to think of it as getting older I like to think of it as experience points.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I did last year.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Imagine being naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog.
Good thing Jan Brady`s older sister wasn`t named Beetlejuice
“Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.
I`m putting more thought into my Halloween costume than into my job.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like `Stabbyrabbit` or `Weaponrat`
As soon as you think “maybe I can get up early and just finish it tomorrow” you’ve already lost.
I don`t make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.
I still sing my ABC’s to see which letter comes first.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run but, I was still sweating by the end.