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It’s silly how we spend money on clothes when naked is free.
Before we start this relationship, I am going to need you to explain a few pics in your Facebook albums.
Once your pants catch fire, the fact that you`re lying becomes less important.
sometimes when i`m lonely i`ll fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend that i`m a meatball
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I`ll bet other dogs must think that poodles belong to some weird religious cult.
Work is the result of failing to procrastinate effectively.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own jokes.
I forgive and forget, because I have a good heart, and a terrible memory.
Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
So far the "couch" part of couch-to-5k is easily my favorite.
I don`t feel like folding the laundry, so I just restart the dryer
Every pair of panties can be a thong if your a$$ is big enough.
Some people say I`m a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again you`re fired"
Cocaine dealers are always trying to stick their business in other people`s noses.