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Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons!! Enjoy the day
I don`t just sing in my shower, I perform.
Men hang out in bars for one of two reasons: Either they have no wife to go home to, or they do
2 can keep a secret if one of them is dead...
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
Know why girls cross their arms when they`re angry? Boobs. Just a little reminder of who`s in charge around here.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven`t pooped it out yet ... Really scared now!
I really want to take photos of my friends with their face smushed against glass.. Then make that pic my phone contact for them.. Then when they call, it will look like they`re trapped inside my phone! Oh god my life is pitiful, kill me..
So who the heck ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?
"Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook... yes, I`ll hold."
You`re only young once but you can be immature forever!
Folks, there`s no need to say GOODNIGHT on Facebook. NO ONE will be thinking " hey where did they go".
I have the ability to drive people crazy. I`m not sure if I was born with it or if I learned it. But damn am I great at it.
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is police.