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It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
It is kinda at the point where everything in my life is a movie reference
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not nearly as funny when you live by yourself.
Steve Jobs` text was meant to say: "I reign as CEO of Apple" Iphone autocorrect strikes again!
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs
If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces....... they always seem to attract trouble.......
Just took a "Try Me" sticker off one of the plush toys at Wal-Mart and stuck it on a condom box.
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
Every have one of those moments where you look at yourself in the mirror and think "Damn if I weren`t me, I`d totally hit that."
I’ve got about as much self control as two rabbits on a first date!
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up and play dead and they usually leave you alone.
If you had to choose between your significant other and a million dollars, what`s the first thing you`d buy?
Today`s subliminal thought is: …