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I bet Miley Cyrus is eating Twerky right now.
I bought some shoes of a drug dealer, I don`t know what he laced them with but I`ve been tripping all day.
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
They might as well put "Uhhh..." in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
"are you as bored as I am?" if you read that backwards, it still makes sense.
is having one of those days where they feels like lighting someones face on fire and then trying to put it out with a fork
Never underestimate a girl’s ability to find things out.
You’re lucky that I’m so terrified of prison.
yes I have a dirty mind, and yes you are in it...
The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...
i`m my own therapist...which explains so much.
I try and inspire at least one person everyday to leave me the f*ck alone.