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I`m running low on funny but I have plenty of sexy left.
Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I`m still putting butter on them!!
Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.
This beer tastes like I’m going to text you later.
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
?"Oh! Oh! Oh!" Dyslexic Santa
iPhone 6: For people who don`t mind holding an iPad up to their ear.
Survival rule #1: Don`t go first.
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
My mind says go to the gym but my heart says food.
I`m a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that`s the truth.
I just ran a .003048K
In order to avoid hating myself in the morning, I sleep till noon.
I`ve finally stopped drinking for good ... And I`ve started drinking for evil.