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How come the energizer bunny beats a drum instead of doing something like working the cashier register at Wal-Mart?
In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!
Somehow, we`ve got to find a way to STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.
The most terrifying thing a woman can say to me is "notice anything different?"
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
If any of you ever want your kitchen painted orange just give a six year old Cheetos for lunch and tell them not to make a mess. Works every time.
I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
I swear if my memory gets any worse, i`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and it’s cold.
Sorry about last night texts. My phone was drunk.
The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
I like to go to a strangers house tell them you used to live there and that your grandfather hid money somewhere in the house and just leave.
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.