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Insomnia is very common. Try not to lose any sleep over it.
When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
I’ll call it a “smart phone” the day I yell, “Where’s my phone?!” and it answers, “I’m here! Under your covers!”
My girlfriend wanted me to show her a good time, so I showed her pictures of me before we met.
Something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow.
After listening to what some people have to say, I am rethinking the importance this whole freedom of speech thing.
To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
I give 2 star movies 5 stars on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so fvck it!
Laughter is the best medicine (that my insurance is willing to cover)
The only reason I keep my land line is for the eventuality that this is The Matrix.
That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn`t get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn`t brushed her teeth in forever.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."
Why does the person who snores always fall asleep first?
Just spent like 5 hours talking to my neighbor about his garden and long story short, turns out it was just a f*cking scarecrow.