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It may look like I’m having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
When you have a lot, you have hair. When you only have a few, you have hairs.
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned hiking, it`s the early bird gets the face full of spider webs
Nuclear physicists can be lots of fun. They`re often referred to as the half life of any party.
Can I have a free unlimited day trial of being attractive?
Spiderman`s Spidey sense is just really spot on anxiety.
eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it
if a guy tells you you`re ugly ; he wants you, if a girl tells you your ugly; she`s jealouse, if you a kid tells you your`re ugly..... you`re ugly.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night`s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”
If you can`t handle me at my worst I completely understand, because I can`t either.
My friend bought some new floral underwear today. I asked her why she bought `floral` underwear to which she replied "its in memory of all the faces that have been buried there".
Ain`t no sandwich when she`s gone.
In the South, they remove the `g` from the end of most words. Just sayin`.