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Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they`re not passing you some fake sh!t.
I really like it when women check me out, they seem to be able to work the register a lot better than men.
Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look.
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
exactly how long is a cotton picking minute.
With all the technology available now, you’d think they’d have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.
My problem? Smart phones are too smart.
Was just thinking …. What would the world be like if McDonalds delivered?
You can never really say `what`s on your mind` when you have family members on your Facebook.
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.
I like to follow random families around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all their photos.
I`m sexy and I know it really is....... your slutty and you blow it.
C`mon Netflix, we both know I`m watching the next episode. Just go ahead and start it.
I wonder how the Never-ending story is doing.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80`s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.