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If every U.S. sports team converted to metric, Americans would understand the metric system by the next game.
Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn`t have said.
At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.
Saw someone try and park a car for about 10 minutes. I didn’t see the person so I’m not going to assume what gender she was.
This Halloween, the only Candy I`m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of itself.
Five little words that will win my heart, "I brought beer and pizza."
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
I only use elevators for one thing. Surprise group hugs
Despite what people may tell you, its the fat that makes you look fat... NOT the dress!! lol
Just once, I`d like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.
They say laughter is the best medicine... found out that`s not true for treating diarrhea.
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!
We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be new friends all over again.
You haven`t truly tested your patience yet until you get stuck behind an undecided person at a Redbox kiosk.