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What do you mean I didn’t win, I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else.
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time
"are you as bored as I am?" if you read that backwards, it still makes sense.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? You were driving 80 miles an hour. Driver: "No way; I ain`t even been on the road an hour."
Why is it that most nudists are people you don`t want to see naked?
Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn`t trust with a Glo-Stick Day.
Some of us are basically unpaid Facebook interns.
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
I`ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
I hate to be one of those who post cliffhangers but...
Why hasn`t anyone written a sequal song to "Jessie`s Girl" ... Where he discovers what an incredible high maintenance drag she is?
A lot of people don`t know this, but you can quietly like or dislike Obama.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I`m not doing this sh!t."
Please be patient...I`m fcuking things up as fast as I can.