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I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
If you receive an e-mail that says: ``FREE JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT TICKETS`` Don`t open it! It may contain free Justin Bieber concert tickets.
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
Just once I`d like to see someone in a movie call bullshit when someone tells them their phone number starts with 555
A colon is used to indicate a list of elements to the sentence preceding it. A semicolon is for making winky faces.
The only thing I ever win playing McDonald’s Monopoly is 10 pounds.
Why is it never opportunity that`s knocking? Instead, it`s usually cops with a warrant...
Spontaneity is great ... as long as I have a plan.
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but I like women.
I can`t afford to go on vacation these days,so I just drink until I don`t know where the duck I am or how I got there.
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you? :D
No matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster.
Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.
That awkward moment when you are killing it on Mario Kart & then realize you are looking at the wrong side of the screen.
I don`t care if you wear footie pj`s or sleep with a Snuggie. If you swish Listerine in your mouth for the full 30 seconds, you are BADA$$.