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I just peed so hard that I laughed a little.
I don`t really work, I just kinda stand around and be awesome.
Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I`m in whey over my head.
This day is going downhill faster than a wagon full of fat kids!
3 words, 8 letters, easy to say, hard to prove... ..."I`m a zebra."
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really really fast :)
If you were a cookie, you’d be a whoreo.
My ex has had a really hard time moving on. From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!
Son, you don`t get anything in life without trying hard and working for it. Now be quiet, there about to announce the lottery results...
You know you had an awesome night when you need sunglasses to get food out the fridge.
Some people pass through our lives just to teach us not to be like them.
If a dwarf smokes weed does he get high or medium?