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Dating: the process of hiding your crazy just long enough to get the other person to commit.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don`t tell me about your rough childhood.
White girls be like: I`ll have one triple mocha dark chocolate ugg boot raspberry white iphone 5 double caramel infinity sign frappe please.
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
It’s funny that old people need handicap parking spots but they always manage to pick up a penny off the ground.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day to the fool that gave up alcohol for Lent.
I finally figured out how to get rid of that annoying sound in my car. I opened the door and pushed her out!!
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you`re good with grammar you`ll get it.
I`m at my most popular when I just want to be alone.
I love Costco. You don`t go there thinking you`re gonna buy a 12-pack of watermelons but you`ll probably leave with one.
I wish the minutes after hitting the snooze button lasted as long as microwave minutes.
Going to Target. See you in about two hundred bucks...
You know that look women get when they want sex ? ..........me neither.
If Jesus was the son of Mary and he was the Lamb of God, Does that mean Mary had a Little Lamb?