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I just found out cock fighting is done with roosters and now it feels like this 6 months of training has been wasted.
I want my next girl to be crazy but more "Lets have sex in public" crazy rather than "I throw hot coffee in your face" crazy.
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
The problem with the general public is that it`s made of people.
Unwritten Rule of the Day: Don´t make eye contact while eating a banana.
All`s not lost my Friends. It won`t be long til people realize Selfie Sticks also make wonderful lightning rods......
It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.
Where have you been all my life? Can you go back there?
I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language made entirely out of tattoos.
If Kutcher went to Sheen and said It`s still your show, this was all a joke and yelled "You got Punked" it would be the greatest prank ever.
I don`t have a drinking problem, you have a problem with my drinking. Big difference.
It`s not my official job but basically all I do is piss people off.