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People don`t want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
Everyone has that one friend that can turn any conversation into something dirty....I am usually that friend.
Did you ever notice how a woman’s “I’ll be ready in 5min” and a guys “I’ll be home in 5min” are one and the same?
If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?
I need medical attention, but I will settle for just regular attention.
Even atheists make bargains with God when the toilet water threatens to overflow at a friend`s house.
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope`s car.
Well the Christmas tree is out of the house, and back on the rear view mirror.
I`m so hungry I could eat without looking down at my phone.
I was pretty disappointed when my boss said we can`t do throw-back Thursday, or bring tequila shots to work
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I`m Tweeting." Boss: "What`s the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
I haven`t seen any new Bigfoot pictures in a while... I hope he`s OK.
If there`s a "Mr." in front of your cat`s name you`re going to die alone.
If you walk a mile in my shoes the least you can do is leave a pair of yours to wear.