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I don`t have the blood alcohol level to deal with you
We should do this “3-day weekend” thing more often.
People who are offended by offensive things offend me.
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better ... Well, for me anyway.
If by “clubbing” you mean eating club sandwiches then yeah I’m pretty into the club scene.
My Living Will says it`s okay to pull the plug on me, but I`d like them to at least try jiggling it a few times first.
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn`t trust with a Glo-Stick Day.
"Please don`t do this." - my voice mail greeting
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
Good for you, people that do things.
People who eat grapes are impatient alcoholics
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I`m really fun to talk to.
The plans I make after work are in direct proportion to how much charge I have left in my phone battery.
I smile because your my daughter. I laugh because there`s nothing you can do about it. ;)