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“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Omg!! got 6 numbers on the Lotto.. and the stupid machine didn´t pick any of them
By the power vested in me and by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
I hate that I have to put on clothes to participate in society.
I`d like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I`ll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don`t (you know why).
So many idiots, so few nuclear warheads....
I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
I’ve learned to use meditation to handle stress. Just kidding, I’m on my third glass of wine.
According to new research, too much sex can cause memory loss. Finally, something that explains my ultra detailed photographic memory.
I never fail to win at Rock, Paper, Scissors when I pick up the other person and throw them out the window.
OK look, if I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, then you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
Don`t fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.
How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?
I need to find a woman that loves me for my money....but doesn`t understand math. (<>..,<>)