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Sometimes I don`t go big just so I can go home.
I`m not bothered if someone likes me or Not. Even Angels are hated by Demons.
On your birthday I think the Airlines should let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide.
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he`s not in?
My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there’s always hope that you’ll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.
Surgery is just stabbing someone to life.
Agreeing to disagree is lame. Let’s agree to take turns slapping each other until one of us admits we were wrong.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that doesn`t let you skip.
I don’t care how loud I’m laughing, I’m having fun and you’re not.
Sorry I can`t make it to your party tonight- I have to get up REALLY early tomorrow afternoon.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Everyone picks their nose at some point, it`s what you choose to do next that defines who you are as a person.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.