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If my computer desktop were an actual place, they would bring in blindfolded people to make a Febreeze commercial.
There are dozens of different flavors of ramen noodles, but they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
No one is ever bored enough to start studying.
I don`t like Instagram. It reminds me that somewhere people are doing stuff. I just don`t need that kind of pressure.
At a wedding reception someone yelled: “All the married men please stand next to the person that made your life worth living” The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.
Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy`s.
You’d think after all these beauty pageants, we would have world peace by now.
I would have a girlfriend but finding someone who likes to be ignored is hard.
Good morning my friends ... Wait a minute ... What the f*ck am I doing up this early.
I`m already an idiot, I just need a village.
A three hour long movie adaptation of pages 74 and 75 of the Hobbit? Friggin count me in.
A new day : the possibilities, endless. the funds, insufficient.
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?
I like to listen to mexican radio but I dont know what they are singing or saying so I just pretend they are singing about how awesome I am.