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I love a good nap. Sometimes it`s the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning.
Relationships are like batteries, they have a positive & a negative side. And you end up whacking your remote instead of changing them.
Recipes sound good until you realize that you don`t have $846 worth of spices in your house.
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
Ugh, I have an ingrown hair and it really hurts. This sounds like a job for medical marijuana.
No one is as ugly as their driver`s license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.
I don`t know why people say life is short....this seems to be taking forever.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn`t even lift him.
you know you`ve been facebooking too much when you accidentally say "LOL", in person...
My wife complains about everything I do. It`s like she doesn`t know there are "Sexy singles in my area" that want to meet with me.
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
LIFE always offers you a second chance,its called TOMORROW
Tequila is Spanish for I’m open to waking up anywhere.
I`ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.