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Still haven`t taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree.
If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.
I am starting to think I will never be old enough to know better.
"That wasn`t chicken in the Chow Mein" I`d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Go to China on honeymoon. Get intimate with Husband. Tell child that they were "Made in China."
I`m out of bacon. This is my suicide note.
A lot of attractive people are like nice cars with the check engine light on.
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
It`s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my sh!t together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
I`ve decided to start taking more supplements: calcium pills for my bones, ginkgo pills for my memory, milk thistle for my liver, ginkgo pills for my memory...
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
There`s actually a website designed to simulate what it`s like to be the sole survivor of a nuclear holocaust, it`s called MySpace.
Hysterical Shrieking should be reserved for truly serious situations such as Centipedes, Spiders, and that Creepy Uncle that likes to give everyone back rubs.....