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If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she`s practising for her next selfie
I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you`re right fellas, men are smarter than women.
Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard. My second thought is virgin wizard.
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
Sometimes I run toward people & expect them to know that I want them to do the Dirty Dancing lift but they never know and I slam into them.
Roses Are Red, Violets Are Red, Trees Are Red ... F*ck? my gardens on fire!
Humans claim to be the superior species, but a penguin can use its own body as a toboggan so who`s the real winner?
I`ve upped my driving skills, no go Up yours!
The institutions won`t take me so I am all yours.
Sometimes when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they´re going to be when you kill them.
If you catch a homeless couple having sex is it rude to tell them to "get a room"?