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you know....I wasn`t planning on going for a run today....but those cops came out of nowhere
People in love use phrases like โtakes my breath awayโ and โswept me off my feetโ. I think theyโre confusing love with attempted murder.
If your lawyer has a ponytail, you`re going to jail
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I donโt like, I just say โoh yeah, thatโs where that really cute girl worksโ. Problem solved.
I have the body of a God. Unfortunately, it`s Buddha.
Now that "twerk" has been added to the dictionary, I can`t wait for a Spelling Bee judge to be asked to use it in a sentence.
The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single f*cking one of them
Since It`s summer here`s a little advice, best way to beat the heat is to wear a San Antonio Spurs jersey
I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit scoreโฆ
Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Waitโฆ Regular or Asian?
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
If the customer is always right, then why isnโt anything for free?
Champagne says I`m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.