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you know....I wasn`t planning on going for a run today....but those cops came out of nowhere
People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.
If your lawyer has a ponytail, you`re going to jail
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.
I have the body of a God. Unfortunately, it`s Buddha.
Now that "twerk" has been added to the dictionary, I can`t wait for a Spelling Bee judge to be asked to use it in a sentence.
The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single f*cking one of them
Since It`s summer here`s a little advice, best way to beat the heat is to wear a San Antonio Spurs jersey
I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit score…
Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait… Regular or Asian?
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
If the customer is always right, then why isn’t anything for free?
Champagne says I`m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.