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The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.
Yes it may sound childish but if it glows in the dark I still get freaking exited.
I don`t care what people think of me. It can`t be half as bad as what I think of them...
The wrong time to have a seizure is probably during a Harlem Shake Video.
The bed is always the comfiest right at the time you are supposed to be getting out of it
If you`re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, nevermind, you will know who you are soon enough
Well, it`s about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, and head on home from work.
8 more days and I will finally get rid of last years Halloween candy.
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
You know when I was younger I was under the impression that quick sand was going to be a serious issue in life...
My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine`s Day! So I got drunk.
No officer I wasn’t texting, that’s dangerous. I was checking my email.
My husband told me he needed more space ... So I locked him outside.
Dear single guys; open a pet shop selling cats. Let the single ladies come to you.