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If you don`t know where you are going, any road will get you there.
Hey, Dude who flips me off for honking at him in the parking lot, your groceries are on top of your car.
The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.
Isn`t it strange that bankruptcy attorneys don`t let you make payments....
sometimes... late at night... i rearrange traffic signs. people need to be challenged.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness".
If only someone on the internet would give me their opinion on the election.
I dream of a day when a mysterious hand will pop out of the screen and b!tch-slap you silly each time you post a boring or stupid status.
If I haven’t embarrassed myself in front of you… don’t worry, it’ll happen.
Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.
I’m not a “stalker”. I want to make sure you’re okay at all times. You can look at me as an unpaid bodyguard.
Some people are good listeners. Mostly, though, they`re just nodding and thinking about bacon.
U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. how many fish do you have?? stop counting smart one fish can`t drown
A roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please."