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Coffee – because most people frown on alcohol first thing in the morning.
You don`t see faith healers working in hospitals, just like you don`t see psychics winning the lottery every week.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it ... I`m gonna miss that baby...
Perhaps we should hold elections on the last Friday of November, with polling stations at Walmart, Target and Apple
Is it safe to take off my Winter Solstice Glasses yet?
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
Without facebook: more sleep, less drama, and a life!
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
Be careful who you call friends. I`d rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
and alcohol are now friends.
If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.
I`m just saying a sarcasm font could go a loooong way!
B!tches be trippin ... OK, maybe I pushed one.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.