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Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old`s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?
Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
Some people, even in photos, just look like they smell horrible.
It`s a good thing Taylor Swift and Adele aren`t dating. Imagine if they broke up.
If one of Santa`s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?
No matter how loud you crank the bass, it`s still a minivan.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain a lot of things......a LOT of things.
I dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. It`s not a beautiful poem, but it`s very deep.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes, could you pick me up some booze on your way back?
I don`t have any skeletons in my closet because I bury my victims in the backyard!
Most of my colleagues and friends can`t spell colleagues or friends.
Elevator music bothers me on so many levels
Today I´m going to entertain the kids with a game of duct, duct, tape.
Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.