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I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I`m an adult. Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It`s because I`m poor.
The only reason they make yellow starbursts is for when someone asks you if they can have one of your starbursts.
you know what sucks about being a "chubby guy"....when your girlfriend wants to play with YOUR boobs :)
Are you guys sure common sense can`t be beaten into people ? Because I`d like to give it try!
I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.
I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.
There`s both a McDonald`s and a blood pressure machine at our Walmart. Circle of life.
My stomach just growled so hard I thought I was getting a text message.
Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.
IMPORTANT REMINDER: Sunday is Mother`s Day, which means Facebook is gonna be annoying as crap...
Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?
No, I did not forget my password. I distinctly remember it being 8 asterisks.
If you’re that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
When non-smokers come to My house....I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.