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is 100% sure that you are looking at my status. (:
There are over 4 million workplace injuries reported every year. Play it safe…call in sick tomorrow.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
My favorite sexual position is pretty much any of them. I`m just glad to be involved.
I went to buy condoms and the cashier just said "yeah right" and put em back on the shelf
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
When i see a person hailing a cab, i run quickly by them and slap them a high five just to boost their enthusiasm!
I hate when I`m about to hug somebody really sexy and my face hits the mirror!!
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.
Boobs are like model trains. They were originally for children but grown men always want to play with them.
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching.
An empty fridge is a sad fridge.
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!
Just because I know I`m a "Good looking, extremely intelligent, funny as hell, sexy ass, Motherf#ker" doesn`t mean I`m "Conceited"...Im more like a "Realist", that just so happens to be very good with adjectives!...A "Bad-Ass Realist", that is!