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Well kids, texting wasn`t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You had to click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
I just took a 5 hour energy and a sleeping pill...LET THE BATTLE BEGIN.
Are you tired of every day being the same? Congratulations, you’re an adult!
String cheese is the sexiest of the cheeses. It’s like you get to undress it.
House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
Superman wears his underwear outside his pants and he`s a "hero". But I do, and I`m "weird", "creepy" and "never invited over again."
Instead of cleaning the house I just watch an episode of Hoarders and I think WOW, my house really looks great.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
A lot of attractive people are like nice cars with the check engine light on.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of itself.
I need to borrow someones kid for Halloween. I miss free candy.
I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
For an "adult" bookstore, this place has a LOT of picture books
If a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ...I just get in the back seat